[G]ossip . [A]nd . [Y]apping

Benjamin My Love. Day 6.

2011-08-22T12:33:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, 23/8/11, 3.49am

After much anticipation, I finally see you face to face. We talked. We quarreled(as usual). We laughed. We rolled eyes. We smiled. We hugged. But the decision still remains the same. Deep down inside we know one day we will be back together as lovers. We shall leave that to fate. But at the moment we are officially apart. No more a timeout. We will still remain in touch. It will be a painful process but we have to be strong for each other.

You requested me to make you two promises

1. Quit my job and live life to the fullest.

2. In time, find a new partner.

I will elaborate more in my next post. I'm just too tired and sleepy now.

I love you baby :) we both sure did have an awesome time together today.

Forever and ever love,

RYaN

Benjamin My Love. Day 5.

2011-08-21T10:44:00.000-07:00

Monday, 22/8/11, 2.01am

Dear baby,

My day was good. I skipped church....... Instead, I went for a haircut at guys and dolls. Went to your place to wake eddy up and have lunch with me. I practically knocked the door 200 times for around 20 minutes. We had lunch at Sunway Giza with a few others. Errrr.. Eddy, Hayden, Ian, Kenny, Carter, his bf and a few others. I had a good time. I hope you had an awesome day too. Anyway, I came back and spent some time with my siblings. Josh was so so lame..... I asked him to show me funny videos in YouTube but he ended up showing me very very lame videos. He has weird sense of humour. I was bored so I stalked your facebook profile. Look through your pics. Sigh I miss you so much. I found a note in your page. A song lyric sang by Whitney Houston. I remember you sang this song before.

We all wanna make a place in this world
We all want our voices to be heard
Everyone wants a chance to be someone
We all have dreams we need to dream
Sweeter than any star you can reach
Coz when you reach and find, you've found someone

You hold this world's most priceless gift
The greatest gift this life can bring
Is when you look back and know,
You were loved

You were loved by somone,
Touched by someone
Held by someone
Meant something to someone
Loved somebody
Touched somebody's heart along the way
You can look back and say
You were loved

You can have diamonds in your hands
Have all the riches in the land
But, without love, you don't really have a thing no, no
When somebody cares that you're alive
When somebody trusts you with their life
That's when you know that, that you have all you need

You hold this world's most priceless gift,
The finest treasure that there is
Is when you look back and know
You were loved

You were loved by someone,
Touched by someone
Held by someone
Meant something to someone
Loved somebody
Touched somebody's heart along the way
You can look back and say
You were loved

So many roads that you can take
Whatever way you go, don't take that road alone
It's better you should know...

You are loved by someone
Touched by someone
Held by someone
Meant something to someone
Loved somebody
Touched somebody's heart along the way
You can look back and say
You were loved
You were loved,
You were loved,
You're loved, Benjamin baby.!

Good night baby. I love and miss you.

RYaN

Benjamin My Love. Day 4.

2011-08-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

20/8/11 Saturday, 10.39pm

After writing my last post, it was already 7.22am . I was ready to get some good sleep as I had half the day off. Was planning to go Jaya One for some bazaar and art thing with Cassie and eddy. I woke up at 11.40am in a state of shock, thinking I was late for work. After a few second I realized OMG Ryan it is your freaking morning off!! I then took a peek at my phone in the midst of drowsiness and saw a text from my aunt asking me to go to work. Like seriously, WTF!!!! I only had 4 hours of sleep!! I went to work anyway. Sigh. That's the thing if you're working for your family. No share profit yet but the responsibility is agonizing. I almost died at work. I need to quit this job and get my life back.

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Dear baby,

How are you? You know, I woke up in shock and when that happens, I usually will get a headache, which I did and it lasted up until now. I miss you. I was so surprised you called me at around 12pm when I got to work. We texted awhile and I can feel that u miss me very badly too. Anyway as harsh as it may be, we agreed not to call or text each other for 2 days. Until we meet on Monday. Can't wait!!!! U actually used Baby in your message. So happyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! Glad to know that u still love me very very very much. Like doh.....
Sorry I'm a little rude right now. Just very cranky because I'm very tired. I'm going to call it a night now.

I love you Flyboy

Lots of love,

RYaN

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Benjamin My Love . Day 3.

2011-08-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

21/8/11, Saturday, 6.32am

Dear baby,

The first half of my day the song Chasing Pavements kept replaying in my in built iPod. I was very emotional and I felt like breaking down. Eventually I gathered enough courage to text you. We had a long emotional blast of texts. I kept begging you to come back to me, give me a chance to show you how things would change for the better. Eventually i was on the losing end. You called me an explained that you need your time and space and privacy. I kept insisting that we get back together. Apparently we were not on the same page, which goes to show that yes, we still need to work. I found out that for the past few days I was trying to make you feel guilty was making things worst. It was simply the wrong approach to make things right with you. The most suitable was is to give you all the time you need to clear your head, and I clear mine. I should do myself some good and love myself even more. You were so, so, right when u said I brought this upon myself for locking myself alone for the past three days. Clearly made things worst. You still inspire me. When you finally do come back to me, I want it to be because you are proud of me and not because you pity me.

Anyway, after work I meet up with Eddy, Hayden, SK and Cassie for movie at ioi mall. We watched A movie about bosses or something. Kinda funny. Later on we had yumcha session at Pelita. We talked about all sort of shits until 4.30 in the morning. While driving Cassie back to her place, we had a heart to heart talk. Me, Cassie and Eddy. They were not trying to patch us back together but more of giving their opinion and advice from an objective third person point of view. It was a very emotional talk until 6 in the morning. Cassie shared with me the conversation that you had with her. Eddy shared with me that you broke down in tears as u were walking back to your room on the day we parted. Baby, I am so sorry you had to go through that. It breaks my heart.

A summary from what I learnt from the conversation.

1. We are both very, very confused that is THIS REALLY what we want?
2. You feel guilty that you could not provide me with your time and I was alone
3. Dream girls was the pinnacle of your dream. It was foreign at the same time that we don't know how to deal with it because we were so used to be together all the time
4. I didn't provide the emotional support to your ultimate dream when u needed me most.
5. You on the other hand find it hard to juggle between love and dream girls. You felt guilty.
6. We need to spend time apart the right way. Make things right. Talk things over. Find the light together. Mend each other's feelings
7. Slowly, but surely peel of layer by layer the accumulated negativity, together
8. Look into each other's positivity instead of focusing on the negative.
9. Respect each other 's space and privacy
10. Breathe. Talk things thoroughly with an open mind, make things clear and make sure if we ever get back together this conflict would not reoccure. To make things work together, or make things worst in time to come.

I'm not going to contact you for three days. I'm going to live my own life and you live yours. I will make myself happy and also reflect on the times we had. I will find the light and be clear on my path. Looking forward to yumcha with you on Monday. This will be a start. Let's take things step by step :) don't over think.

I love you Benjamin. I love you.

Thank you Cassie and Eddy for being there for Benjamin and I. Being objective and neutral, just sharing their thoughts, seeing things that Ben and I cannot see from outside the box. Thank you.

RYaN

Benjamin My Love . Day 2.

2011-08-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

Today is the second day we are apart. I decided that I want to start a journal here. Every single day, no matter how busy or tired I might be. Hmmm.. Where shall I start?

Well I miss him. Not one minute goes by that he is absent from my mind. I want to talk to you and see your face so so bad. I feel like someone just punched through my chest, reached for my heart and tore a big chunk out of it. It hurts. So, so bad. I've been through 7 failed relationships. I felt nothing. Except for my first boyfriend which was clearly puppy love and I was desperate to make my first relationship work. I was a zombie for 6 months. Eventually I snapped out of it.

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Dear baby,
It was hard sleeping without you last night. I miss your sweat, I miss your drool, but most importantly I miss your snore. It is my lullaby. A sound that puts me to sleep, because from there I know you have fallen asleep. Knowing you are safe and secure and comfortable, then I shall lay myself to sleep.

I finally gathered enough courage to text you in the evening, asking if you need a lift to Broadway. I didn't get any reply. I was worried. I tried calling you a few times but it was forwarded to voicemail. I was crushed. My heart sank. But I stayed positive. I know eventually you will call me back. Finally, a few hours later, you did. You told me you were going to stay at a friend's place for a couple of days. I asked how were you and you said 'if it's ok, I am beginning to miss you very much'

I miss you too baby. So much. Seriously, i wonder why we choose pain over love. I finally understand why you sent me so many blank messages. Im sure you know why too. Anyhow, Im glad we talked for a minute on the phone. I was really, really glad to hear your voice. My first happy smile in two days. For the first time in two years you hung up first. It must be really tough for you to do that. You said u will call me tomorrow.I really hope you do.

Good night baby. I miss you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Forever love,
RYaN

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2011-08-17T08:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Cupid,

Exactly two years ago I wrote to you in this blog. Asking for a lover. Or more like complaining how you sucked at your job. Well, you gave me more than I expected. You sent me an angel. His name is Benjamin. I fell head over heels for this guy. He was simply charming in every way. A smile so sweet and a laugh that makes you forget you were having a bad day. His eyes were beautiful. They can look right through your soul and tells you a story in return. Simply mesmerizing. His hands fit mine perfectly. His voice was from the choir of heaven. His kindness towards others were admirable. Always willing to help without expecting anything in return. He loved me for what I am. He accepted the flaws I had and rejoice in my good qualities. I knew instantly he was my soulmate. This was the first time I was so sure of myself. Whenever I'm with him, I feel warmth, secure, and loved. Thank you Cupid for giving me this chance to know such a remarkable guy. Though we are separated from each other now, he will always, always be in the most cherished area of my heart. I will continue loving, caring and supporting him from afar. Though our pillows will be drenched in tears, the feeling of missing each other, the love we once had will never cease. I love you Benjamin. I love you.

RYaN

Shattered Glass

2009-08-18T00:35:00.000-07:00

Shattered: ka-piang.. crark... ka-plong-plong-plong.....

Last night i came home and turned on my laptop. As i lay my beloved laptop on my lap, i saw that i'm left with a cracked screen. obviously someone gave it a massive punch on the closed lid. my innocent laptop. i immediately knew who the culprit was. my younger brother. i remember he called me earlier in the afternoon asking for my password which i refuse to give for i know my laptop has erm.. mostly "dirty" contents.. so yeah. just morning i told my dad about it and showed him the condition of my laptop. he went berserk. ballistic. insane. and started cursing. i think i should start digging a grave for my brother. well, this is not a cheap laptop you see, it cost almost RM6000.00.

he could have just spat on my bed.. empty the trash on my bed.. mess up my room even more.. or hide my laptop but.. this time he has just gone overboard..

A year Ago

2009-08-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

Exactly a year ago, on the 14th August 2008 was the day i came out of the closet to my Mom and Dad. 15th August 2008 was the day i came out to both my sisters. memories... i'm glad they still love me for who and what i am today. time flies. feel like it was just yesterday!

*************************
A Letter To Cupid,

Hey cupid. thanks for shooting your arrow right on my ass. guess you've received my letter afterall :) i managed to find a decent date which i enjoy spending time with. on the 14th August 2009

Thank You

xoxo
RYaN

*************************

New Watch

2009-08-13T01:52:00.000-07:00

Due to my recent new job, which requires me to handle putting my hands over water vapour, my Nautica watch strap finally called it quits. It felt weird not having a watch on my wrist. every now and then i would stave at my wrist, thinking that the watch is still there, only to find my fair blank wrist staring back. So i went around and hunted for a new watch.. and i found one..

R.I.P

my new catch? an Armani

i'm looking forward to getting another one soon. its a watch by Philip Starck or something. i love it. too bad its all sold out as its already considered "ancient".. if you have any idea where to get my hands on it, please do tell me..

A letter to Cupid

2009-08-07T13:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Cupid,

At this point of my life, i just feel so, very lonely. is it a sin to still believe in "once upon a time" and "happily ever after"? every ounce of me still holds on to that tiny hope of being with my "prince charming". Every now and then, i would see two souls holding hand in hand, with a shoulder to cry on, sharing laughters, showing affection.. to be honest sometimes i hate the sight of that. i feel envious. why are you punishing me like that? looking back at my past relationships, i honestly never, ever, ever, once felt what people call love or mutual feelings. i have to be honest to myself. the only love i know is called unconditional love, which i have from my parents. but you see, my parents aren't going to be able to walk beside me forever. is there something wrong with me that i do not know of?? so please, i know i deserve better. and so does my friends who've been single for years and years. open our eyes and heart. how many more valentines day more must i spend alone? it really hurts to be alone :(

love,
Ryan wong

Secrets of my Own (Part 1)

2009-07-27T11:39:00.000-07:00

You have to admit, we HUMANS are very "kehpo-chi" and we always like to know stuffs about other people, their flaws, their latest trends, their latest breakdown, who died, and when there is a car accident we stop awhile and look to see if there is any head, guts or fingers scattered across the road..... *ahaha, i see your sinister smile as a sign of admitance* :)

Anyway, let me tell you about some of my secrets to keep you entertained

**********

1. Back on the first day of my highschool journey in Hartamas High, i was skipping sissily (yet fastly) into the car with my dad screaming at me, i shut the door to the backseat and my dad started speeding off. there was when then "IT" attacked. "IT" attacked our nasal and clogged the air with misery so brutal to human. "IT", was obviously dog poo!! before i lift up my foot to look under my shoes i silently pray that it was not mine and instead it was my sister's. i looked underneath my left shoe and there "IT" was.. well the rest of this story spells NASTY.. just imgine a fresh new day at a new school.. sitting in assembly hall.. with new potantial friends.. all heads wondering where is that shitty smell coming from..... yes, it was ME!!!! ( being me, i just lifted my head and gave the "eewww..." face, looking left and right wondering where is that stench coming from each time there is a breeze.. just to make it look like im innocent.. ) hehe

2. The reason why i sleep in a fetus position is because... when i was really really young, my siblings and i share the same room. this nasty elder sister of mine would suddenly, out of nowhere while i was ready to doze off, attack my innocent nipples. i hated it so so much. ever since, i never slept with my chest facing the ceiling even though we were finally old enough to get our own rooms. each time i tried to sleep chest facing the ceiling, i find it really, really disturbing. anyway, amen, i managed to overcome this fear around a year and a half ago.

3. Ever wondered why i enter the shower fully clothed and come out also fully clothed in a fresh new outfit? well put the blame on my sister. Since i know to shower on my own, i would come out of the showes with a towel fully wrapped across my body, like how womens do and quickly run shyly to my room to change. well.. one fine day when i was in primary four... i will never forget those moments as it was deeply engraved in my mental memory.. i can play it back over again those moments faced.. i came out of the shower with a forest green towel.. as i was walking to my room.. i was ambushed. i was just a feet away from my cupboard. i shreiked. and i knew instantly it was my elder sister. my natural instincts told me to grip on to my towel as tight as i can. and i really did. sure enough her motive was to rip my towel off, exposing my "sexy" body.. *ahem* .. it was a battlefield. punches on one hand, another hand holding on to the towel, protecting my sacred temple. kicks fying here and there.. well i can't remember who won because my eyes we shut.. but it really affected me. as of that day on, i would bring my clean clothes and changed in the toilet itself..

4. I read a local malay magazine called "Mastika", a horror themed magazine, exposing all those ghostly encounters. pretty scary at that time. a particular atricle really changed my sleeping habits. it was about a "toyol" , a tiny creature that goes around biting and sucking the blood from people's toe when they are asleep.. well with my good immaculate imagination.. i managed to picture that happening to me.. ever since then, until this very moment, my legs are fully covered with my blankie. sometimes i try to leave my feet out from my "safety" zone.. 30 seconds.. tops.. and my feet will automatically retract back into the blankie. freak right?

5. I think i was 11 back then when i was playing Pokemon version Red on the computer.. or was it Sonic racing.. well my maid suddenly stood behind me watching me venture into my game.. it was getting pretty late and my eyes were baggy from the many hours spend on the screen.. without realizing.. she moved forward and her breast touched my head and it sank in between her breast. all i felt was heavenly comfort.. my head laid rest on those cloud like pillows.. long enough for me to remember the feeling until this day..

*********

well.. thats all i can think off for now. its almost 4am! time to zzz... :)

*********

Insomnia

2009-07-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

i have an issue with my current sleeping habits. i brutally abusive myself mentally throughout the night until 4am for the the past two months. i just can't sleep. each time i shut my eyes, i just start thinking.. my mind starts to journey into the past, the present and the future. usually thoughts that filled my mind would be my family and my future.. recently i imagined life without my mom and dad.. i imagined them passing on.. i captured the feeling and it was surreal that i started tearing. the feeling of hollow, standing beside their coffin and in there lay their motionless body that gave life to me. when that day comes, all i know is i will have a major breakdown. yet now, i still neglect their presence. i still take them for granted thinking that there is always a sight of them tomorrow. but every single time i see them of them seeing me might be the last. i hope i will cherish the moments with them from now on.

"To think i might not see those eyes, makes it so hard not to cry..." -Leona Lewis, Run.

About myself.. i just can't stop thinking about what my future beholds.. how successful would i be. where will my friends be? what people am i bound to meet? will i grow into maturity? my health? my soul mate? will i be single like my aunt? will i go through the loneliness ALONE?

Apart from that.. i will think of ways to improve my work performance.. how to run a restaurant successfully.. will i fail along the way when the torch is passed on to me? will i ignite the flame or will it be vanquished in my hands? the pressure is on. and the most recent quandary that fills my mind is the branch my aunt is bound to open in Singapore. can i handle it? Singaporeans are not easy to handle, ya? no pun intended

Physically.. how to improve my physical outlook? is having a great body a compulsory requirement to get a stamp of approval in the gay society? I've always wondered what is it like having a nice physique.. hmmm....

***

But somehow, i will fall asleep eventually in my favourite fetus posotion.

***

My friends gave me some useful advises to help with my sleep. its amazing to have good friends with minds. haha.

1.just focus on positive thoughts. count your blessing!!
2.burn scented/aromatic candles.. (what the hell.. knowing me.. i will end up
burning down my house)
3. Listen to some relaxing music. (doesn't apply for me.. music keeps me awake)
4. MASTURBATE ( supposedly you exhauste yourself in a "pleaurable" way until you get too tired, you sleep!)
5. Eat something light or warm milk (dangerous baby, DANGEROUS)

***

Of Ringgit and Me

2009-07-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

(this is a picture from google image. i have no right and i don't even want to have right to this picture because i do not own such an ugly mattress and bag)

Lord, forgive me for i have sinned. I had committed the ultimate crime of spending. i overspended.

I am a sore loser when it comes to money management. I got my first ever paycheck for last month and whats left as of today is..... RM300.00......

I told myself i must have at least Rm1000.00 left in my bank account before i get my next paycheck but words are only words. i betrayed myself.

But.. the feeling of spending my own money gives me a sense of satisfaction, independence, glad, grown up (despite being only barely 20) , and also a pinch in the ass whenever i flash some cash to pay for something.. ouch..

anyway, i did share my earnings with my siblings.. RM50.00 each. i have 3 siblings. you do the math. i left a note in their wallet with the vibrant emerald blue banknote.

"Dear Josh, Ely, Eli.. heres some cash for you to spend.. Don't simply spend it!! Study Hard!! love, Korkor... "
the next morning when i woke up, my heart dropped when i found a long note stuck onto my sister's bathroom mirror with a RM50 note on it.

the feeling of embarrassment was running all over me.. i picked up the note and read it carefully, wondering what does the note says..

"hey *X%$%^!#, i can't believe u slammed the door in my %$#%^ face just for a mere Rm20.00 credit in Penang you #$%^$$#@ !!!!! #$#%$@#%$%!!! ..... heres a 50 and you can KEEP THE CHANGE you ***&^%$$ "

apparently it was a note Ely left for Eli. at that moment i felt:
1. phew, i thought one of them did not appreciate and need my money that much..
2. this is so funny!!
3. my note that says "Don't simply spend it" was ignored and had gone to its contrary

anyway... just a mere week till my next paycheck!! $$ka-chingzzzz$$

i hope i can save and spend wisely.... Amen...

Market yourself

2009-06-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

It is 3.57am now and as i typed, the rain just started pouring and hitting the ground like a rush of a thousand heartbreaks. this is exactly what i'm feeling now.

well i just came back from club. Marketplace to be exact. as i was driving home, i feel so.. pathetic. why do i keep making myself present at these places? i honestly asked myself why and my truthful answer is that i want to look for love. but... is a club really the place where you meet your prince charming? oh ya apart from that, i realized that i go there to test my market. seriously. who wouldn't enjoy being the eye candy of the club.

Marketplace is indeed a prudent name as i think its a place to MARKET yourself.

What drawn me to go to club in the first place was because of my dear friends with a pinch of curiosity in myself. the thrill and excitement of being set eyes on. people checking you out. being admired.. the feeling of being attractive.. is so poisonous yet u keep craving for more..

anyhow, i think im going to be hiatus in the KL gay scene and focus on my career, family and overall future. sigh. oh ya i have to specifically mention KL gay scene because i am going down south to Singapore next weekend!! woohoo!! i heart SG. muakss..

sorry i know this post is pretty pointless but i just feel the need to type it out. and i still really miss this very handsome guy i saw in club just now. he is the epitome of what attractive means. i wish to see him again but i hope the next time, i won't be admiring from afar..

love,
Ryan Wong

A lover's concerto and Love Paradise by Kelly Chen

2009-06-23T09:16:00.001-07:00

i like this. used to listen to these a lot especially when i was being a wussy emo boy in love... despite countless shattered relatinships, i still believe that special someone will be in my life eventually.. you may find the lyrics to be really chessy and corny but....

Photoshoot

2009-06-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

i love this picture. for once i look FIERCE like Teyona cycle 12 winner. go SEPETS!! (small eyed)

Colleen's Bday @ Damansara Perdana

2009-05-31T08:43:00.000-07:00

i am lazy to make my fingers start a massive dance so.. yeah here are some pictures! thanks lynnie for the party~~ xoxo

What Won't Kill You, Makes You Stronger

2009-05-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

As i stood by the balcony overlooking the view of Mutiara Damansara, admiring the Saturday morning breeze pecking my cheeks.. I took a sigh and firmly grip my cup of coffee to assure that moment is real. I silently congratulated myself. "Ryan Wong, you've made it through"

***

Going through industrial training, was something that i foremost feared since I've singed up for my Culinary Course in KDU College. All my brain could produce was ways to skip training. When it was finally time to start my industrial training in Royale Bintang Hotel Damansara, i started off optimistic and willing to get off my high horse and learn what does hardship meant. Perhaps i was too fragile mentally, physically and emotionally that i deteriorated after one and a half month. All i wanted to do was to quit and run away. I did consider the fact the two years i've spent in college wasted just like that. Worst yet, the impeccable amount of money my family had to spend on me for this course, set aside the drive and time my Dad had to sacrifice when i first started out college. I only thought of them as not taking a step in my shoes, feeling my pain. but have i on theirs?

**

When i announced that i was quitting, words of advise started pouring in from various parties I've consulted. some supporting, others objecting. somewhat to a point that i was caught in between, with no direction. I clasps my hands and pray for guidance every night. "What won't kill you makes you stronger" was a moving advise that a fellow colleague gave to me in the walk in chiller on a particular graveyard shift.

**

Anyway, as a treat my dad agreed on my idea of renting a suite for a night. so yeah. the result was pretty good. but my birthday celebration was still the most awesome time i had ;)

**

Here are some pics..

The nice view from the room balcony

we were bored. and when im bored, i get naughty.

0-0-7 Biang.. ahh!!!

shopping for soft drinks and snaks in tesco

dinner at Little Penang Kafe

Chasing the evil away from my room

What lies behind the sliding door is a hot guy i brought back from Frangipani. i wish... haha..

Thanks Eddy, Sherry, Ian, Jackson, Edmundior, Paul, Cassie, Carter, Kaze, Ezen, Jason, and Alex for being there for me. love u guys.! xoxo (did i miss out anybody?)

People..... i have a confession to make... for once in my life.. i CROSSED DRESSED... i was changing and trying on clothes for club.. and i came across edmund tan's swimming shorts.. and then... i sort of.. got inspired...... paul suggested i made the outfit sexy like how jessica simpsons did... and this was what happened......................

as you can see, this is the hottie Jessica Simpsons.....

PRESENTING..... Ryan Simpsons.. all im missing is my sexy boots.. so im going to change the song to..

"These boobies are meant for watching..... jiggling its what it'll do.....
one of these days these boobs are gonna *pop* in front of you....."

xoxo,

RYaN

Feel

2009-02-25T02:40:00.000-08:00

i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs.

i feel like running away.

i feel like crap.

i feel...

i need to make some changes. this is as far as i can take it for my internship in Royale Bintang Hotel. i quit.

All i can do is keep breathing

2009-01-11T22:29:00.000-08:00

It has been my 11th day of training in Royale Bintang, The Curve. i have not slept since 11 last night. it is almost 3pm now. wow. haha. coffee.. well... 5 months of hell in the kitchen. i really, really regret taking up Culinary Arts. i admit this is the biggest mistake i've made TO my life. i feel so sorry for myself. i feel so pathetic.

but all i can do is keep breathing. well tonight is going to be the 5th night of my overnight shift (11pm-7am) im slowly adapting to working in this hotel though as i've made new friends who are willing to help me through. hmmm.. so far they scared us with some ghost encounters while working the night shift. initially i wasn't really afraid but.. today... i was alone in the kitchen.. i remember my CDP (Chef De Partie or wtv) saying he saw "something" pressing the combi oven. i have pretty good imagination.. so yeah.. the dancing apron being blown by the blower hanging beside the door really sent chills to my penis.. ahem.. it shrinked.. or shrunked..

anyway. i really really miss my friends. i saw their facebook pics. seems to be so happening. wish i was there too :(

all i can do is keep breathing...

oh ya Marc, if u are reading this, hi.... hahahaha..

The day i almost died

2008-12-30T08:39:00.000-08:00

i was that close to meeting the end of my life and stepping into the other world. i got into a car accident. a pretty serious one too.

**

i was driving along Jalan Kuching to head home after a session on Frangipani on Friday night which then turned into Saturday morning. well.. i had two glasses of Laichi Martini but i swear i was sober after gulping down a bottle of mineral water

**

at 100km/h, along Jalan Kuching before the Segambut roundabout, suddenly without warning my streering wheel just went wild. its like it was possessed with a mind of its own. a mind... to get me killed. it swirled right and i would pull it back to the left. stepping on the brake made things worst and eventually after split seconds of duel with the steering wheels, i crashed to the right road divider and swirled 180 degrees and my back bumper hit the road divided which put a stop to my car

**

As i gulp with fear, my mind was set to get to the other side of the road as i am currently in the death zone-the fast lane, againts the road. my main fear was being hit buy a speeding truck or bus as i was trying to struggle to reach the safety zone. i mumbled a short prayer and i trust in God to help me through this. and somehow, i made it.

**

i knew i was uninjured. just traumatised. then. i started making calls. to my dad, some friends and the car assistance hotline. there were many many people crowding the scene. i did not like what was going on. as time passed my friend which i've just met for the first time that day, *Marvin , along with his friends arrived at the scene. they really helped console me. my dad finally arrived after what felt like forever. my heart immediately was at ease when i saw my dad. i ran to him and gave him a hug and started sobing a little.. mumbling "di.. im scared........"
he assured me everything is fine and he loves me. i did not want to let go

**

well anyway, it was an excruciating experience and i hope it won't ever happen to me, my family or my friends. ever. i am back driving now. very very slowly and carefully. and heck i am filled with fear as i grip the steering wheel tightly. i guess i was still traumatised. oh ya apparently what happened was, my tyre burst. that was the cause of this mishap. sigh.

**

anyway.. here are some pictures of my car..

yeah the poor victim was my baby BOB, my 5 month old Toyota Vios. Baby is now somewhere in a factory to be healed. miss my baby.

my windshield cracked too..

my bruise due to impact with my left hand glove box...

all i can say is i am glad that i am still alive and i appreciate life more now. whenever i close my eyes i think about the incident that nearly robbed me of my life. shattering my family and friend's hearts.

*LOVE LIFE. DRIVE SAFE. DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE*

!!!! THANK YOU *MARVIN and friends FOR BEING SO KIND AND HELPING ME WHEN I AM IN NEED ALTHOUGH I'VE KNOWN YOU GUYS FOR MERELY HOURS!!!

2008-12-20T01:42:00.000-08:00

shattered heart.

i hope it rains as i walk to my car soon so nobody can see me cry.

see you guys tonight

oh me my ma

2008-11-27T00:17:00.000-08:00

my blog is so hollow and sexily quiet lately. haha. i have so many things to blog about yet i can't seem to express it in words. what happened to me?

anyway.. im so glad my bubble tea days are over!! huhu.! hmmm i got eccepted to do my training in Royale Bintang, The Curve from 2nd January until 2nd June. crazyness. its going to be hell but heck.

oh ya tonight i plan to go to club69 for some Fashionlicious Party. i don't know what it is about but Ian and I are going anyway. haha. tomorrow i have a college dinner at La Meridien Hotel and after that my college mates are going to party~ but i think i'll pass because i don't think i'll join because i don't enojoy their presense. bluwek.

Nick's FRESHLOOK competition finals is going to be on Saturday in Pyramid Mall!! looking forward to that and his victory. wahahaha..

my plan for sunday is still..not filled up.. but im sure it'll be filled up as EDDY is coming back!! huhu!!!!!! (but hope he is not too busy with his new guy Vincent. they were self jodohi in my birthday party)

oh ya im going to 1utama soon to shop for winter clothings. going to Korea on the 13th December until... i don't know when. but i think i'm just going to window shop. ahhhhhh.. seriously broke after my birthday party. oh ya after Korea there might be another holiday trip to SINGAPORE to spend Christmas i think!! OMG im excited. but still broke....... oh ya talking about my brithday party, it was a BLASTTTTTTTTTTT kaBOOMMMMMMMMMMM.... thanks to each and everyone present and my beloved Boylicious for helping me make my 19th birhtday so so memorable and still a hot topic apparently. haha! i'll update a post on my birthday party soon.

well i think i'll run now. bye everyone.

Sunday

2008-11-02T08:45:00.000-08:00

Bubble Tea Boy

2008-10-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

"Bubble Boy"

argh.. i get really offended at heart now when my friends in college calls me that. well the reason of the new nickname is because i'm running the freaking bubble tea stall in the college. its sort of our assessment thingy for our last semester before heading for practical training. its a 8 weeks semester and i hate it.

initially the first few days i sold around 20-25 cups. the following week the average was 30-40. third week average was 55-70 and this is the fourth week now and today i hit a new target of 85 cups even on a Thursday.! i'm really proud despite being so freaking tired. its from 7.30-5pm everyday until November 28th.

anyway....... i think my "cute-ness" helped a little. some of them talked to me and i made new friends. last week there is this group of friends buying bubble tea and suddenly one of the girls said to me "he is trying to kao you ha ha ha...." shocking how straight forward people can be. the next thing i know, they all added me up in facebook. haha! they're really friendly.

today my market was not bad.. there were people who wanted to accompany me for lunch. totally random. asked if i am having lunch alone.. where.. what time.. "my friend wants to have lunch with you.." i already took a mental video of those rare moments because i felt really appreciated..

hehehe so happy.. at least there are happenings instead of standing there and rot....

ego boost today. hehehe...

oh ya of course i kap zhai while working! the cafeteria is the best place for it :) omg fark fark fark so far there are two or three guys that caught my eyes. one in particular... i just can't stop channeling myself into him.. really tuned into him.. he is awesomely cute and sexy... a smile so sweet.. yet manly.. blessed with a nice body frame.. tall.. small cute eyes... he is sort of the way hotter and upgraded version of me i reckon.. i managed to main mate with him ;P
totally mesmerized to the extent i was willing to postponed my lunch time just to admire him.. he is THAT worth it..

Tagged by ShuYi

2008-10-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

this is a tag by ShuYi . she want to embarrass me i think..

18 weird things about me :

1. when i clean my belly button shit sometimes i get fascinated by the smell although its gross.! hey shaddap stop laughing i know YOU do it too. its just an unspoken truth..

2. i like to go into toilets with no partition in between urinals

3. i MUST push the seats back to place after leaving the table. even my friend's chair. i will arrange everything back into order

4. i brush my teeth twice to make my lips look more pouty

5. i never wore underwear until i was 12

6. i love those Sister's crispy popiah. drooling now thinking of it

7. when i was young my favourite thing to draw were Swans and Mermaids

8. i used to sneak downstairs to watch Sex in the City on HBO when i was 11

9. when i was 11 or so, sometimes i would skip school when the Astro Guide states Men's Body Building or Swimming on the sports channels the next day

10. i read Cleo, Woman's Day and many more since i was 10

11. i used to think sex was when a man and woman sleeps together. i didnt know about the penetration part

12. i like guys with goatees

13. when i was young i would fill up the bathtub, get in and cross my feets into a fin form and pretend i was Ariel in The Little Mermaid (haih i can't believe im revealing this. haha.)

14. when i drive i tend to think about everything more than usual. sometimes i would end up crying suddenly because im stressed

15. i would wipe the chair first before sitting down on it

16. i can't shit when there are people around! malu to come out

17. i am not good with directions. i can go through the same road many many times yet, everytime is like the first time passing it

18. i can't look directly at sharp objects like knives, blades, car antena, helicopters, ceiling fan etc. its like a phobia because i saw my dad's forehead got sliced by the ceiling fan before when i was a kid. so yeah. i feel like those objects are piercing my eyes.

5 person to tag: Ian, Eddy, Nick, Edmund, Kaze

"Somewhere"

2008-09-29T09:01:00.000-07:00

i just got back from Penang! it was.................................... awesome.!

i'll blog about it soon because im so tired now. i'll remove this post once im done writing about the Penang trip. i need some time to hype down? haha.

A Sinner from Heaven

2008-09-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

Today was such a gloomy dark day. The weather unravels the way i felt about gay life now.

What my dad told me after i came back from clubbing one night a month ago was entirely true - "you won't know what are people like and their agendas. but they are like sharks lurking in the deadly sea, waiting to eat you up"

i am now still in a state of shock, confused, stunned, shunned and afraid. i want to cry. but on who's shoulders?

worry not, i was not raped or bullied or anything.

just ripped apart

today i learnt my lesson that people cannot be trusted. especially in the gay circle. it is like everyone has their hidden agenda. behind those smile and sweet talks lies a poisoned dagger.

we were like sheeps who took a step into the tiger's den on a "temporary high" ..

it gives me chills now to think that I've almost put my friends' life in jeopardy

a scar was engraved in my heart but it was worth it as now i have snapped out of it

trust me, the gay world is not a place to be if you have a heart like mine. a faint heart. vulnarable heart. an easily shattered heart.

anyway, know who your true friends are and treasure them.

don't go out to parties with people you are not familiar with.

i now know who not to mingle with and be even more careful when knowing someone new.

"You better think twice, watch out or you might just fall under" -Rihanna, Disturbia.

Lonely- The path I have chosen

2008-09-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

a lovely song that i love to listen once in awhile

I Believe in You by IL DIVO

Lonely
The path you have chosen
A restless road
No turning back
One day you
Will find your light again
Don't you know
Don't let go
Be strong

Follow your heart
Let your love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew
I believe, I believe, I believe
In you

Follow your dreams
Be yourself, an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you can not do
I believe, I believe, I believe
In you.

Tout seul
Tu t'en iras tout seul
Coeur ouvert
A L'univers
Poursuis ta quête
Sans regarder derrière
N'attends pas
Que le jour
Se leve

Suis ton etoile
Va jusqu'où ton reve t'emporte
Un jour tu le toucheras
Si tu crois si tu crois si tu crois
En toi
Suis la lumière
N'éteins pas la flamme que tu portes
Au fonds de toi souviens-toi
Que je crois que je crois que je crois
Que je crois
En toi

Someday I'll find you
Someday you'll find me too
And when I hold you close
I'll know that is true

Follow your heart
Let your love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew
I believe, I believe, I believe in you

Follow your dreams
Be yourself, an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you can not do
I believe, I believe, I believe
In you.

Ugly No More

2008-09-14T06:47:00.001-07:00

Before joining "I wanna be a Hottie"

i think this was two years ago when i was 17..

After the intensive program. results guaranteed.

.Ryan Wong.
"I wanna be a Hottie" ambassador

Mini Me

2008-09-14T06:37:00.000-07:00

This is me when i was... 3 or 4 years old i think.. still in diapers ;P my mom said she drank lots of soya bean to make all of us "bak bak zheng zheng" haha! thanks mom

SquasheD

2008-09-14T06:13:00.000-07:00

i was at my aunt's house with my sister a few days ago just chilling around while waiting for my aunt to get ready to head out somewhere. so yeah i was watching TV and suddenly my sister who was talking on the phone SHRIEKED.!! i looked at her in a bimbotic way..

she explained that as the breeze blew the curtain, she saw THIS........

TOTALLY gross. it shit-ed its own tail off. haha! what a coincidence that it was squashed to death by my aunt (without noticing) as she was closing the sliding door.

Rest in Peace Lizard..

My Fatty Bombom Days.....

2008-09-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

Fattybombom Days

January 2007- March 2008

Today i bumped into my ex high school teacher in the Tmn Tun Ramahdan Bazaar. she just gave me a fading smile. as if i was a stranger. she then frowned.

"How are you Ryan? What happened to you? Why are you so skinny now?? " she asked, while looking at my body

i was left speechless. almost 20 people said the same thing in the past 3 to 4 months. today i realize how serious it is.

almost everyone including my friends and family said i have SHRUNK and I look too skinny. my family are pretty concerned if i am eating right.

These are the few pictures that i find myself looking crazily skinny and scary

Penang House, April 2008

May 2008, Singapore

September, 2008

Oh ya if you are wondering how did i lose weight, well i exercised. just run run run. i lost around 7kgs in 8 weeks. but being a total noob, i didnt do any resistance after running.. as a result, i'm left with many stretch marks and orange peels on my butt :(
__________________________________________________________________

So yeah.. my new target is to have a healthier looking body. Lean, Toned, Slightly muscular.... wow. imagine that. haha. I will try to achieve that! A typical Scorpio trait :) whatever we want, we will strive to get it..

Rejected

2008-09-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

I decided to post a picture in Axcest Hotshots. I've always wanted to try it out but i just couldn't gather enough man juice to do it. argh. anyways when i finally DID post a picture, it got rejected by the webmaster i reckon.

The Victim

HAHA! To further console myself, I've just assumed that:

A. My Picture is too DARK (but it looks bright on my phone though)
B. My Picture is too GOOD TO BE TRUE
C. They ACCIDENTALLY rejected it
D. They have bad taste

:) hehe im so jobless. i'll try again now with potential ones. why don't you help me out??!! (if you're wondering where my acne scars and pimples all went, its all thanks to my phone camera. its like it comes with auto photoshop you know. hehe. even Nate* agrees )

Picture A

Picture B

Picture C

Picture D

The Secret it Out

2008-09-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

The secret is out. i finally confessed to my parents and siblings that i am. well, Gay. haha!

no, im not kidding. anyways, im sure you're wondering Why, How and What made me do it.

well here goes.

________

it started out as a fight over me being "rude" to my maid
so i was given a short lecture which leaded to an argument
as usual, everything settled down eventually and i was asked to apologize to my mom
for being rude to her as well. she was tearing non stop
heart ached to see that.

suddenly i FELT this urge to confess.
feeling really solemn and relentless
i just sat on the bed where my parents were
and just rest my head on my mom's shoulders
arms clenched, eyes shut with a little teary eyes

"Are you ok? something happened outside right? fought with your friend??"

"No" i answered sheepishly.

"Mi, De, do you love me?"

"Of course we do, no matter what..."

instantly i took a glance over at the Holy Picture of Jesus and i took a deep breath of faith in Him and told them i like guys.

it was just a second of silence. " I am gay.. I like guys.. I tried to like girls but i just can't.. Sorry i lied to you all my life.. I didn't want to tell because i don't want to hurt you all.. Will you all disown me?? Do you still love me?"

"Yes of course.! actually we're known it a long time ago. since you were young. you were different. we just kept silent in hopes of you changing. but no matter what, it is okay and we still love you a lot Ryan.."

_______________________________

things are pretty much still the same now. just that i'm loved even more now. seriously. my relationship with my parents and sisters had tremendously improved. especially with my dad. we talk more now as i have nothing to hide. we can even laugh and make jokes now. he even gives me more money to spend now . WEIRD, i know. haha.

Well so far they haven't asked me about my personal things yet such as do i have a boyfriend or not. but im hoping to introduce my future boyfriend to my family. that is if i can ever find the right and BEST BEST boyfriend i can ever hope for.

I REALLY LOVE SINGAPORE :)

2008-08-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

The Sudden Plan..
Recently Nate* and I decided to visit our dear Eddy who is studying in Singapore. He comes back to KL once a month but this time we decided to pay him a visit :)

On The Bus..
Nate and i sampat-ed on the bus. we can just blabber non stop all day long as usual =P

The Arrival
Talking nonsense really made the trip seem short you know.. we could see Eddy standing by the side of the bus....... with his SHORT shorts, GLAMOROUS Marc Jacobs Shades and nevertheless his freaking nice Gucci Bag. lovely~

we got down from the bus and *group hug-ed* haha

oh ya IRONICALLY, Nate and Eddy were wearing the same top from TOPMan and their SHORT shorts were exactly the same. ahem and they also had brand new white Puma shoes on. what the hell... talk about coincidence head to toe :S

i got my first MRT Card!! its called the Ezi Link card. huhu. so yeah we headed to Eddy's crib in Aljunied or something.

*********

THE CRIB, finally...
*AHEM* Eddy's crib in Singapore was a total contrary of his house back in Sunway :P so nice and cozy and really clean............

he even cleaned the house really thoroughly a day before we came. really appreciate his great hospitality. I miss that place even more now. haha.

The "journey" begins....
anyway it was a Saturday afternoon and we were hungry. Eddy took us to this Beef Hor Fun near his condo which taste so damn good. hmm after that we went to some places like City Hall, Raffles City, and Bugis for dinner if i am not mistaken. we wanted to have a nice dinner in Jazz something as recommended by XiaXue the ubber cool blogger. but it was pretty late already as we wanted to CLUB. huhu!

oh ya Ed's house mate, Natasya or also knows as Ade had dinner with us! she is Indonesian, just 14 and i think she is so bubbly funny and cute!! hahaha. Nate thinks she is really adorable too!

"gigik bangat??"

Funny Memorable moments number one...
after makan-ing we went to jalan-jalan. Nate and i were leading the way as we were so fascinated by the sea of stalls at the main entrance. it was like a food fair. as we were walking, we could hear eddy bursting out laughing and we turned back to see what happened..... :P

apparently Ade's flats SNAPPED and she was walking barefooted and holding the pity lifeless flats on one hand!! =P LOL it was crazily hilarious. they went to get a new pair of course, which i think matched her outfit even better that night. eddy has good taste? haha. perhaps

************************

CLUBBING BAYBEH~

"P L A Y"
There was already a queue as we reached the club. we were kinda tired and sweaty after walking from the station to the club. what happened to those fairygod gayfathers.? sigh..

As usual, being gay, my eyes just scanned around :) no one caught my attention yet.....

Ryan's Radar Analysis:

Atmosphere: i love that is it a non smoking club. Quite stingy in spacing :S Overworked in the UV lights because wherever you go, anything white turns neon purple INCLUDING YOUR TEETH AND EYES. freaky~ can u imagine when you dance and someone tries to smile at you and all you can see is a purple glow? like pontianak..... LOL

GuyWatch: A mixture of young and middle aged group. that night, we spotted a few guys wearing cap and they were really attractive! one of them even tried to approach Nate but i guess he was too chicken =S i think my market that night was not bad also just that i think i attract wrong people all the time. bleh... oh ya and there is also this other guy wearing a brown Abercrombie shirt. he is so cute especially when he smiles and dance!! Eddy and I were kinda going gaga...... XP *DROOL ME A RIVER BABE*

SoYouThinkYouCanDance? : aiyyer.. no match for Eddy and Nate . they OUTSHINED :)

"Fashionista": everyone dressed nicely :) which is great

FrequentMirrorCheckers: the toilets are quite clean but i love the full walled mirror in the cubicle. you can see a million of your penis while you pee :)

Freak'OMeter: yes a few. one in particular is a total FREAK. despite telling him i already have a boyfriend back in Malaysia, he still tried to hook up with me as if i am stupid. the GROSS-est thing was when he freaking licked my ear. more like tongued my ear. really disrespectful and rude. excused myself and went to the toilet and rinse my ear. I WISHED i had some Holy Water that time. anyway we saw him again in the food stall later. this time he targeted Nate. argh. get a life.

Musica: i like =D

The Devil's Nectar: the Cranberry Vodka we got was really infused with Vodka.! so generous..... ;)
water is free

CoverCharge: 15SGD

AgeRequirement: strictly 18 and above. they check each and every individual wei...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

im so tired now. so yeah.
PART 2 will come soon with pictures... because i need to BLANKO Nate's face. he is tooooo CHIO thats why. hahaha

sorry

2008-05-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

i want to express how sorry i am for not updating my blog. i think my SICKnDiRTY gauge is running low. still planning to delete this blog posts and change it into a whole new video concept. haha. any suggestions? i feel like video blogging would be far more better to show the crayzeee side of me..

i was thinking of themes such as Where to Shop, Where to hang out, Room Makeovers, Guys..... Sexy yummy guys.. and many more..

anyway a guy posted a comment on my post "If i weren't Gay".. seriously i think he is kinda cute, seems nice, does charity and............ hahaha. i shall leave those dots in misery. anyways i read his blog and heck there were so many comments by other guys. ryan, wake up please...

If i wasn't GAY

2008-03-04T02:49:00.000-08:00

If i wasn't gay, I would probably be wondering what is it like being gay

If i wasn't gay, I would probably make many people think i am gay

If i wasn't gay, I would probably have a girlfriend by now

If i wasn't gay, I would probably be watching straight porn

If i wasn't gay, I would probably be looking at every hot girl's boobs

If i wasn't gay, I would probably be erecting when i see naked girls

If i wasn't gay, I would probably be fucking pussies ( eew )

If i wasn't gay, this blog wouldn't exist...

...... but TOO BAD.! im SOOOO DARN GAY XP

Masturbation story

2008-02-11T22:04:00.000-08:00

i have this sudden URGE to write about masturbation ;)

do u remember the very VERY FIRST time you masturbated?? be it accidentally, curiously or purposely. haha! i guess your eyes just rolled up trying to recall that missing piece of memory.

i remembered mine so clearly because i did something utterly SILLY. okay the story goes like this. I was in Form One that time. No one can deny i am as innocent as an angel (in school) i used to think sex is "A Man and a Woman Sleeping Together" and POOF!! magically they get pregnant. i remember my mom talking to my relatives. she'll go like.. "Babies are God's Gift" she skipped the sex part. anyways back to the story. guys in my class would gather around and talk about things which i have never heard off. Sperm, Masturbation, "Sperm is BLACK", Cunt, and many, MANY more were constant words flying across the classroom. even the girls talked about it. stuffing water bottles up their pussy??? i was like.. YUCK. furthermore, i was LOST in this foreign channel. people would constantly ask me "hey do u masturbate?" my innocent and truthful answer would be "No, what is that?" then they will just start laughing and go "aww soo innocent"

anyway, a few months later my curiosity started to linger and i stored up enough courage to ask this PARTICULARLY NAUGHTY guy "Hey whats with the MASTURBATION thing? How do you do it?"
without hesitation, like a sifu he PASSED his knowledge to me. i remembered exactly what he said.

"Tonight, you go to your parent's room. Lock the doors. Get yourself hard and stated moving your cock UP and Down. Then, something will happen. HEHE..............."

That night, as i was showering, i suddenly recalled what he said to me. i got HARD. his voice started to play over and over again in my head. UP and DOWN. FINE, I'll do it!!!

UP, and DOWN, UP, and down............................

1 minute passed by.....

and i didn't feel anything! weird. because.................. i did it wrongly...... SIGH..

the funniest thing was i actually MOVED it up and down like how you change your gear or how u move your game joystick!! instead of STROKING your cock up and down. OMG~~ EMBARRASSING!!! yet hilarious thinking about how silly i can be.. XP

Finally, i figured it out. i STROKED it SO FAST and HARD, eventually, i climaxed and had my first orgasmic blast. i was STUNNED, with my heart still beating wildly. i was afraid. but it was THRILLING. HEHE! oh ya i was so terrified that the guy would ask me about it so i pretented to have a headache and skipped school the next day. guess what? it FELT SO FUCKIN GOOD, i DID it again. and again. i have to say, the feeling is AWESOME ;) till now.

Dicks!

2008-02-11T06:06:00.000-08:00

Lets spice things up here a little. ;)

eh! don't we just loveeee dicks? its the most amazing thing in the world! it dangles like a ding dong in between your legs, some people have big ones, some people are average and some have tiny ones some have none. ;P

What names do you have for dicks? hmm. i know quite a few- Cock, Penis, Prick, LanJiao, JiaoJiao, KukuJiao, Sperminator, BirdBird.. anymore??

RANDOM things you can do with a dick:
-Show it on webcam
-Pee
-Let someone oral you
-FUCK
-make it soft and hard and soft and hard.. again and again..
-feel an orgasmic BLAST
-make people horny
-flick it here n there after you pee

erm and the list goes on..

eh do u guys experience erection in the morning when you wake up?? i do! all the time! i call it the MORNING GLORY. wahahha. its pretty annoying sometimes especially when someone knocks on the door in the morning to wake me up for class. i'll need to walk to the door hugging a pillow so my cock can't be seen. BLEH. or when im trying to pee when i am hard, i'll have to sit on the toilet seat and force it downwards and start pee-ing REALLY REALLY SLOWLY. oh ya i tried pee-ing when i am hard, standing up. the result is like a WATER FOUNTAIN. HAHA. you can even give yourself a GOLDEN SHOWER ;)

BEWARE of STALKERS (Part II)

2008-01-30T03:00:00.000-08:00

The stalker story continues........

This happened around October 2007.

I was admiring myself in the dressing table mirror one day and suddenly my cellphone rang. I picked my phone up and looked at the screen. it was a call from Ron.

Ron: Heyyy.. Want to go bowling tonight with me and Raven?

Ryan: Ya sure! Where and what time?

Ron: Erm... One Utama la.. Around 7.. Do you have extra socks??

Ryan: Yeah i do have extra socks. But i can only make it around 9. Coz i need to take my maid there too to buy a new cell for her sister in Indon.

Ron: Okay! See u there. Bye

Ryan: okay.. Bye

Fast forward a few hours later, it was around 8.15pm. My maid and I were at the Digi Center in front of Giant Supermarket. She was picking out a new cellphone. Finally, she made up her mind and the sales girl had to go up somewhere to get the stock. It seemed like forever. While waiting, i realize this guy was walking through and fro behind me a couple of times already. Awhile later, he just stood behind me and looked at the phones. I looked at him to see if he was cute but he is not so i just looked away and flashed out my phone to make a call to Ron.

Ryan: Hey.. Where are you guys now?

Ron: We're in Burger King now waiting for you.!

Ryan" SERIOUS SHIT?? I'll be there at around 9 okay? byee

Ron" okay see ya

After the phone finally arrived, paid for it, i sent my maid up to the taxi stand so my sister can pick her up. After that, i took a glance at my watch. I'm not late. huhu. but i rushed up to Burger King anyways.. they were sitting at the outdoor seats. as we were talking away, i noticed the same guy from the Digi Center that stood beside me opened the door to the outdoor seating.! i was like.. "EH i saw that guy from the Digi Center just now. so weird that he is here. Ron jokingly said maybe i was being followed. HA HA..

After a couple of minutes, we decided to head to the bowling alley. As i was leaving, a felt a tap on my shoulders. I turned back and looked. This Burger King staff handed me a piece of paper. My mind felt a jolt and i was just stunned there. "Itu orang suruh I kasi u ini" , he said. I opened and read the paper while walking out.. My jaw literally dropped to the ground.!

===========

Kevin Chan

Do you remember me? I am your friend (classmate)
017-3XX XXXX please miss call me

===========

I passed the note to Ron and Raven and they were like.. "fuhyo Ryan got stalked..!" I asked the staff who sent this and he pointed outside, the place where we were seating just now. I just acted all innocent and asked him "Huh? Knapa ngan dia??" LOL. the staff's reply to my question was WEIRD but TRUTHFUL! he said.. "Jangan kisah la.. Itu orang gila sikit ( while doing the twirling thing around his head) cari seks.. ngam laki.. gay.."

HAHA.! really cracked me up but also left my heart pounding. wondering.

Apparently, it hit me that... When i was talking on the phone with Ron, i mentioned.. "BURGER KING, 9pm" he was standing beside me and THATS how he knew we were there. FREAKY!!!

i also saw him a few times after that. he was at the pc fair too!!! i was working giving out Toshiba brochures and suddenly, i SAW him. He SAW me. "shit shit shit".... thats all that was playing in my mind. he SMILED at me. really. i pretended like i didnt see him. he walked a few times past the booth i am working at. i told my girl friend about him. He was standing mere meters away from me and i asked her if he was looking or not. She said nodded and followed by a long "eeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"...... LOL. FREAKY~

he found my friendster profile and added me too. around 3 weeks back. wanna see??? he has this really SCARY FREAKY FUCKY pair of eyes.. like those iguana that can move both their eyeballs 360 degree anyhow. gawd..

so being stalked is NOT fun at all you know. so you you still dare to speak out loud about your whereabouts in public??? because you'll never know.. He might be standing beside YOU LISTENING... :)

BEWARE of STALKERS

2008-01-28T06:47:00.000-08:00

"How I wish someone would stalk me.. it will be sooo COOL.. " this lustful sentence constantly played in my mind. I used to think being stalked is a BLESSING as you are actually being WANTED, DESIRED, admired.. and looked at..

sometimes, seriously, be careful of what you wish for. here is my story about a stalker..

It was around February of 2007 when i was still in my first semester in college. we had this awfully long breaks in between subjects so my friends and I would usually hang around in One Utama to kill time. on this particular day, we decided to go for bowling.! As i sat waiting for my turn to "masuk longkang" AGAIN, i realized this pink shirt dude had been following us since we got to one utama. he was standing just mere meters away from us. he was writing something. mother nature calls so i needed to take a leak. when i got back, i saw that my friends were crowding in a circle, talking and giggling.. i was SO SO curious...

suspense suspense....! hehe

i asked them with a sheepish smile whats going on. they passed me this note. it says:

================================

i want to be your friends.
can i be friends with you all?
please give me a miss call

Kevin Chan
017-3XX XXXX

================================

apparently the stalker asked a bowling alley worker to pass us the notes. we were confused with his horrible English as we didn't know was he interested in one of us, or ALL of us. so we were like WATEVA~ i only remember bits of what is written as it was a long time ago. sorry.! i studied the note and it was a Rapid KL bus receipt. urgh. so cheap. hmmm... if only he'd written it on a beautiful cologne sprayed heart shaped red paper with beautiful cursive handwriting... that will be so sweet! but TOO BAD~~~ hahaha

as time goes on, this incident slowly faded into our memories and eventually, into the forgotten realm. LOL. to be HONEST, i was hoping the letter was for ME.! ME ME ME!! hehe!!!! but no one knows the mysterious truth for sure.....

=End of Part I=

to be continued as i am really, really tired.. i promise Part II will make you feel the chill down your spine.. ;) stalkers.......... hmm, are YOU a STALKER????? haha! *gulps*.....

You and I are CrabS

2008-01-27T09:58:00.000-08:00

Ron is missing from my blog. where is he?

anyways, Ron and Pedro* came up with this SECRET code thingy whereby Gays are known as Crabs. so instead of saying "Oh look got GAYS around. hot not??" out LOUD and start getting stares, they use the term "Oh look got CRABS around." when they first used the term i find it kinda silly but being a clever boy, i figured out a reason behind using crab instead of FISH or LALA which apparently is already taken. so yeah. You might think this is silly but heck la. You see, Crabs CANNOT "walk straight" as in.. they walk in a zig-zag pattern, moving side to side. anything but straight. so yeah. we gays are the same. we are crooked. we aren't straight. so yeah. YAY.. now everyone clap for ryan..

oh ya! Ron's boyfriend also came up with SOTONG (squid) to portray how sissy a guy is with his gestures. have you seen a squid move its tentacles? so sissy like. hehe! so yeah. are YOU SOTONG?? =P

oh ya. I'm seeing someone at the moment ;) he is cute, really nice to hug, funny, bubbly. and makes me feel better by constantly reminding me how he likes me just the way i am. he can carry me also! im so heavy leh! so macho of him. haha.! *ahem* he reads my blog too..

Imperfection- Its the thing that makes us unique

2008-01-23T20:58:00.000-08:00

Each and everyone of us are created as a result of our parent's love for one another. As we grow, we are molded into what we are today. Along the way, we meet more people of various backgrounds, lifestyles, appearances, attitude and mentality. Through this, we slowly discover who we really are and which social group do we fit in well.

The truth is, most of us PRETEND to be what we are not. Its like we are wearing an invisible MASK to cover who we really are in order to adapt, liked, and be accepted into a certain category of lavish social status. Sometimes we even judge people scarcely by their appearance. Well, all the time actually. We even throw insults about their imperfections just to feed our ego.

I admit that i am wearing a mask sometimes, pretending to be something i am not. A mask which needs to be shed. A simple night out with my friends left me thinking a lot yesterday until the wee hours. "His boobs is like the whole of Egypt. Like the pyramids." kept echo-ing in my head. The facial expression of being disgusted and wanting to puke after looking at my flabby fatty stomach just kept replaying in my mind. I really didn't expect introducing two of my friends to one another could result into a duo bitch team, shooting at you. i just really felt like walking out on them but heck. I went out with another friend afterwards and i felt much more better for awhile after spilling my hidden emotion.

I'll try not to judge people and laugh about other people's flaws and imperfection along with my friends just for the sake of making myself feel more "perfect"as i know it can cause hurt to others in many ways such as losing their confidence, eating disorder and worst of all, suicide. The simple truth is, we should just take a look at ourself in the mirror and look beyond what lies beneath our skin, or even the invisible mask.

Your Looks and Gay Life

2008-01-23T01:19:00.000-08:00

Some gay guys are blessed with drop dead gorgeous looking faces, always making head turn for a second or third glance. often envied. nevertheless, DESIRED.

but what about some gay guys who are not so blessed when it comes to looks.? hmmm.. you and i don't really know because we don't even bother looking and them again. this is harsh reality that applies not only in the gay world but straight world as well.

"My SEXUAL FANTASY Guy"

2008-01-21T03:34:00.000-08:00

my ultimate fantasy is to be in bed with a guy which has..

- a handsome masculine face to enhance horny-ness

- a perfect pouty strawberry red lips to kiss and give blowjobs

-a HUGE SLIGHTLY MUSCULAR BODY to keep me safe

-a nice puffy ass for me to sleep on

-a GIGANTIC THICK JUICY HORSE HUNG COCK to erm... u know.. XP

-the ability to shoot a HUGEE HOT LOAD unlimitedly anytime anywhere

-fuck me all night long?

gosh i'm getting hard. byee!

Boyfriend and Crisis

2008-01-21T02:42:00.000-08:00

hmmmmm, now that i am boyfriend-less i think i should start searching for a new one. HEHE.

however i've been doing some thorough thinking. having a boyfriend is quite a burden. let me make a list..

1. you will get emotionally attached. the deeper the emotion poured, the deeper the scar IF things start to go downhill. which is most likely to happen

2. you'll be spending more money. could be in forms of meals, petrol, movie tickets, gifts, phone bill and many many more. if your boyfriend is willing to pay for all these then it is great. but not all boyfriends are rich AND generous at the same time.

3. you are bound to be loyal and cannot flirt anymore. damn it.

4. your relationship with your other friends might deteriorate as you've been spending less time with them.

5. your work and studies might be slightly affected unless you're good in managing and balancing everything, which sadly doesn't apply in my life.

and the list goes on and on and on........

but i still want to have boyfriends! some people change boyfriends like they are changing clothes. so cheap, yet so fabulous. =P maybe i should give it a go

Sweet Surrender

2008-01-21T01:59:00.000-08:00

I'm SINGLE. AGAIN.. haha! the breakup was the best thing that could and SHOULD ever happen between Pedro* and I. To sum it all up, it was sweet, rather funny and best of all, strengthened our relationship as friends. best of all, no tears were shed. We were even having so much fun giggling away to the extend we forgotten about our breakup. Anyways, I will always treasure the memories we had together =)

i guess some breakups are just meant to be happy ones. haha

oh ya sorry for the drama in my previous post. so emo. i also learned that some of my gay friends were so worried and concerned during my period of distress. thanks a lot. ;)

Heavy Heart

2008-01-19T03:51:00.000-08:00

The sky cried along with me as i fill this page up with words. In another half an hour time, two hearts are about to be pierced, shattered and maybe even scarred. But it is for the best, i suppose. Heavy Heart is the perfect way to describe the way i feel now. Pedro* is the type of guy that loves his freedom. It is through his carefree and bubbly personality that makes people like him so much. In a way i felt i had taken that away from him. It is time to return it and thus, lifting burdens and restoring smiles. I really still do like him. But....

A little more about me

2008-01-16T05:04:00.000-08:00

hmmmm, here are some random stuffs about me:

1. I'm really, really quiet. more of an introvert.

2. I absolutely love to "kap zhai" (check guys out). who doesn't??

3. I get emo very easily

4. I suck in managing my spendings

5. I drive a 16 year old Proton Saga. it is SO SO LOUD and ugly to the extent it annoys people. but im okay with it anyways as long as it can take me places.

6. I drove my car into a drain before. hah!

7. Erm.. i get attracted people who smells good. cologne etc

8. I'm pure Malaysian. Often mistaken as a China man. but heck they're cute! so i take it as a compliment. hehe

9. I admit that im a lousy boyfriend :(

10. I like to flirt :)

Gossip And Yapping

2008-01-15T20:35:00.000-08:00

"Gossip And Yapping" echoed in my head. "It is perfect", i thought in my mind. An acronym for GAY.

After putting a few weeks of thorough thought to it with a pinch of support by a few gay friends, the little voice in my head took control of my fingers as it dances across the keyboard, finally registering this blog. Here i am now, typing this post. Ironic.

Hmmm, this blog would be the place where i would pour my emotions, tell my stories, speak the truth, express my feelings, discuss my thoughts and many, many more. I solemnly hope this blog would blossom with readers in time to come.

Oh ya, i forgotten to introduce myself. My name is Ryan by the way :) and.. im GAY! hah!

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